H
ow does one keep a good marriage from going bad? This question is at once practically theological, and intensely practical. The answer draws on general laws of human nature, and simultaneously the intricate specificity of a particular pairing of human beings. As a married man, the question has enormous weight for me -- my marriage is very good right now, and I want tremendously to keep it that way. But nearly every bad marriage you've ever seen started out good; so what happens?
A few weeks ago, at a maple farm gift shop, there was a couple and their daughter, and the wife was pregnant with their second child. She ordered three creemees for the family while the husband (an enormously tall, awkward-looking bearded man) was looking around the shop. As he passed by she asked if he wanted the ice cream. He responded, acidly, "I guess you already ordered me one," and stalked off. Clearly trying not to start an argument, she canceled the ice cream she had ordered for her husband.
How do we arrive in these places? Obviously I know very little about this family, and this could have been a very unusual off-day. But the small exchange had the weight of deep resentments behind it -- the husband's tone felt well-used and familiar to him, as though his wife were constantly overstepping some bound of his. Just today, a husband-wife pair of clients that for whom I'm doing a bathroom renovation got into a screaming match with one another while I was in the house, and I had noticed significant tension between them earlier. How do people who call themselves best friends slip into these trying situations?
Resentment has a way of building up subtly. The entire issue is that the other half of your marriage may not even know that an offense occurred, and from your perspective, you felt that you forgave something by saying nothing about the offense. This happens over and over on both sides, each thinking that they've been more than fair, and that the other is a selfish, unaware aggressor. This knot becomes extremely difficult to untangle very quickly. There has to be some way to stop the cycle, to release the pressure, to get back to baseline, and it has to happen frequently. It reminds me a bit of confession, I suppose.