T
he evolution of my reaction to name of Jesus over my life as been pretty wild. I don't remember hearing or thinking very much about it when I was young, but by the time my teenage years had rolled around, hearing it was actively repulsive. It made me think of chintziness, of weak and ephemeral spirituality, of opposition to reason. The name existed by itself -- it didn't call to mind the face of the man as represented in so many paintings and statues, but rather the imagined hordes of American Protestants and their tasteless ignorance. I vaguely remember thinking that the name Jesus didn't seem to fit very well with what I knew of Catholicism; Jesus was American, and the cathedrals of the old faith just didn't mesh with the New World character in my head.
There were a couple of bands I liked that I remember singing about Jesus (Black Rebel Motorcycle Club chiefly), and I was mystified that they even bothered to think about this backward irrelevance. Eventually, I came to appreciate the idea that they were playing with a religion and character that had deeply marked our society, even if they wouldn't have called themselves Christian, and for the first time I thought that maybe the name was important, even if misguided.
At some point, I started reading Chesterton, and the name started to expand, and stretch further back in time. I came to see Jesus as extremely historical, His name on the lips of millions for thousands of years, and in my spiritual journey, I started to consider asking that name for aid.
And now that name is written so deeply on my heart that thinking about it can sometimes bring me to tears. I still can't say it very naturally, which I count a fault in my heart, but I can hear it naturally, and I believe that's an extremely important start. It's easier for me to talk about God and the Church, but talking about the Man, and his heavy, holy name can still feel scandalous, and can even make me feel like an awkward fool. We are supposed to be fools, for the foolishness of God is greater than the wisdom of man.