T
here's a certain kind of experience in prayer that I think of as "going a level deeper". It's a difficult sensation to describe, but it has something to do with shedding, as much as possible, the vain concerns of the ego. When I think on my sins and trespasses, there's an inner dialogue that starts, which all revolve around me. The "level deeper" triggers when I figure out how to look at the state of my soul without getting (overly) self-replexive about it. When I can say: "Yeah, that all sucks. That's a broken person there. Now -- how do I let in God's love, right here, right now?" It has to do with accepting my self-deceits and sloth, not so that I can wave them away as if they didn't matter, but so that I can reckon with the Lord who wants to free me from them. I'm not explaining this well. It has to do with trying to realize that God can work with brokenness, and that our sins pale in comparison to His overpowering light. Prayer is about letting Him in, thinking about Him (or, as I've read it, allowing Him to think about you). You should only be thinking about yourself as a means to the of appreciating, a little more every time, His great love, extended to one so lowly.
I don't know. It's different than the normal feeling of being me -- hopefully, it's something. Sometimes I regret not having a spiritual director...